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Dear Lab/Shul Family,
How Do We Process the Grief?
As soon as I arrived in San Francisco ten days ago for the West Coast Premiere of the Sabbath Queen film, this painful question, painted on a wall, caught my eye and pierced my heart.
It probably hit me so hard because I had just arrived back to the US after spending one month in Israel and Palestine, where grief and despair, alongside anxiety and exhaustion, define the public mood. We are now 300+ days into this ongoing war that seems to only be getting worse with no end in sight to the suffering and sorrow of Israelis and Palestinians.
One of the most moving events I participated in during this visit to Israel (my 9th since October 7th) was a public grief circle in which Israelis and Palestinians stood together in a public park in Jerusalem and simply meditated and wailed together for an hour, holding space for each other’s rage, pain and grief. In the midst of the ongoing protests, rallies and vigils – this was the most heartbreaking and helpful container for the impossibility of this moment.
As I am writing these words in early August, a cloud of uncertainty hovers over our relatives and friends, some of them sleeping in shelters – all agitated – waiting and wondering when the Iranian response to last week’s assassinations by Israel will come, and how bad it will be. In Gaza, conditions continue to worsen, as the warfare continues, the summer heat intensifies and there’s no relief in sight.
The newscycle is so fast and furious – there really is barely any time to process anything, including grief.
Whatever happened to a carefree summer?
I wish we could all just focus on Olympic Fever and our beach reading list. It’s even difficult to focus just on the incredibly dramatic and important fast-evolving presidential race without this dark cloud of the conflict hovering over us.
We cannot determine the news; But we can – and must – have agency on how we respond.
Today, I want to suggest that we start by making time and space for our grief. It doesn’t have to happen in a public park. We can begin by doing so in private, too. Jewish tradition has taught us that by paying attention to sorrow – not overlooking or avoiding our sources of mourning – helps us grow from grief, and be more helpful to ourselves and to others.
To grieve is to love.
Taking time to deal with grief (not just “doom scroll”; not delve into despair) may help us make it through these tough times and offer us patient paths towards hope and healing.
And it so happens that the wise Jewish calendar is offering us right now an auspicious opportunity for the rites of grief.
The new moon of Av rose over us this past Monday, ushering in the month of mourning for historical Jewish traumas. This is the month in which we recall the two destructions of the temple in Jerusalem, both in the same month, along with a long list of midsummer persecutions, exiles and dispersions throughout the ages. Our sages in the Mishna wrote that “When the Month of Av begins we decrease our joy”.
The first days of Av, leading to the fast day of Tisha B’Av are traditionally known as The Nine Days of Grief – public opportunities for remembering past pain and processing it in our bodies. Practices include abstaining from celebrations, not listening to live music, and avoiding recreational activities such as going to the beach.
What trauma specialists advise today has been the Jewish recipe for survival for over 2,500 years. We must take time and space for processing grief.
I never took these nine days too seriously. But during this tough year, these practices seem more important than ever.
Come what may in the days ahead, I invite you to focus on what may be your own helpful rite of grief. This may include taking time to journal, or to listen to music that will break open your heart. Perhaps it’s a meditative practice, with the help of poetry or prayer. Perhaps it’s inviting a friend for a walk or a talk in which you can share what’s on your heart, giving space to sadness.
Next week, on the Fast Day of Tisha B’av, I invite you to join us at a few different rites of grief that mark not just the historical traumas but also the terrors we are facing right now:
- Monday Aug 12: As the fast begins on Monday evening, Spiritual Leader Shira Kline and I will be together with Rav Jericho Vincent of Temple of the Stranger, and with Rev. Derrick McQueen, for a Sacred Grief Ritual held in Brooklyn. Using the liturgy of Lamentations and the power of our voices we’ll explore the rituals of the mikonenet, the ancient female grief workers of the Jewish tradition.
- Tuesday Aug 13: I invite you to join me at a special presentation/opening night of the JCC of Manhattan’s 2024 Israel Film Center Festival for the screening of Legend of Destruction. I will be joining Isaac Zablocki for a talkback following the film. The Lab/Shul community is invited to use the discount code lab20 for 20% off tickets. (see below for full details)
- Tuesday Aug 13: Also on Tuesday evening, we invite you to join us online for a special workshop with Nitzah Joy Gordon – Transformation Pain, Rebuilding Trust.
A strange Jewish tradition suggests that the Messiah will be born on the afternoon of the Ninth of Av, bringing redemption to a broken world, just as this rite of grief ends. For me, the messianic consciousness is about the courage to imagine a much better reality and do what we can, together, to get there.
Our growth begins with grief.
Each year, our Lab/Shul community officially launches our season of High Holy Days of Awe – coming right out of the Ninth of Av, as our way to walk this talk of transformation from the past to the future, from our hurts to our healing, through reflection and repair. STAY TUNED for the full season launch — Coming next week.
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